Souzapalooza’s Public Service Announcement for Online Daters

I’ve been engaging in the world of online dating and I HATE it. There are so many ups and downs of the whole saga and it really has been a complete time suck, with very little return on investment. It takes away from time with my friends, from my workouts, and (I know you have noticed) my blog. Online dating is seriously another full-time job! For those of you who suggest to your single friends “Why don’t you try online dating?” and haven’t had to endure this horrible vetting process, F*** you guys! This is the crap we have to deal with….

  • Selfies – Dude, what are you doing?!? Do you not have ANY friends you can ask to take a picture of you? You don’t have to tell them what it’s for, just man up and ask! Sorry but no one is ever going to ever sit on the dashboard of your car, so you will never actually look like that to us if we ever meet you in person.
  • Landscapes photos – That picture of Manchu Pichu is gorgeous. Are you that dot in the foreground? Ok I get it, you travel, you’re “worldly”, but do you have a face?
  • Smiles – If you are not smiling, or have some sort of look of friendliness, I am going to assume that you looking for a date you can cut up in to little pieces and feed to your dog. I know some of you are trying to rock the Blue Steel look, but I’ve only seen it work on two people…Zoolander

    (This is Doc & Moneyman’s little boy… best Blue Steel look ever!)
  • Sunglasses – Your profile says you have blue eyes, but I have no idea because you are wearing sunglasses in every picture! Are they blue or are the White Walker Blue like on Game of Thrones? Maybe you have crazy eyes! I don’t know cause sunglasses rule your life! The same applies with hats; do you have hair? I’m ok with bald men, a lot of us are, embrace it! But seriously have at least one picture with out a hat and sunglasses!
  • Shirts – I totally respect the guys who work hard for their muscles, rock hard abs, and even the body tattoos, but unless you are at the beach, I don’t need to see all that right now. Give me a little something to be surprised about if I get the opportunity to unwrap you later on. Not that I am judging (who am I kidding, of course I’m judging!) some of you should not be trying with the shirtless mirror selfies. The competition is fierce, and it’s detrimental to your cause.
  • Headless Horsemen – I find these a lot on the free dating sites. Basically, these are pictures of guys with out heads! Justtorsos! Sometimes shirtless, sometimes suit, sometimes a few of both. No really, this is a thing! Mostly, these guys are looking to just hook up. Every now and then you get one where it says “I don’t want my coworkers to know I’m on here” and I of course equate coworkers with wife, but that’s me. If it is really because of your coworkers, what’s the big deal, they are obviously swimming in this shallow pool too. Deal with it!

    Really, this "body" messaged me
    Really, this “body” messaged me
  • U versus You – Take a few extra taps and type out YOU and not U. Is it that hard? I’m worth the extra letters and it makes you look a little classier. I’ll overlook the challenges between your and you’re for the time being.
  • Stop being my pen pal! – These are DATING sites not correspondence schools! By definition, the word date means “go out with (someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested).” Don’t get me wrong, the getting to know you banter is important, but if you aren’t going to pull the trigger and actually meet me, why are you wasting my time? I’m sure you non-online daters are saying “Oh Souzapalooza, don’t be so harsh, maybe he’s shy.” It’s CRAP! After enough back and forth, I’ll suggest it and you know what happens? Nothing!

These are the things that are dragging me away from my wonderful blog readers. If you have a male friend who is swimming in the online dating pool, please share this valuable feedback with them! As a matter of fact, even it you don’t, repost this ALL OVER SOCIAL MEDIA! Do something good for the single people in the world! 

If you are a woman, review your male friend’s profile for him! Men, do the same for your female friends out there. I’ve had Doc’s husband, Moneyman, and Irish Kat’s boyfriend, The Drummer, look at my profile and even pick out some better photos of me. They know me, love me, have my best interests at heart and want me to share my awesomeness with someone worthy. Help your friends so they don’t have to suffer through these online shenanigans for longer than necessary!


9 thoughts on “Souzapalooza’s Public Service Announcement for Online Daters”

  1. Hello,

    Online Dating Survivor (and success story) here!
    Yes, there is so much nonsense on these sites, I sometimes can’t believe that’s how Lord Garrett and I acually met, but here are some more things that always bothered me about these sites.

    Serious/Moody photos, however may I say, what an adorable little Zoolander! (Yes, that’s my nephew and I may be biased but I know I’m totally not!).
    I always went nuts over spelling and grammar. If you can’t take the time to proofread your public profile, then I simply don’t have time for you.

    Group shots of him with 6 of his buddies. Please tell me which one of them YOU are or else I may want to date your friend.

    May I also shame photos of you with your “adopted kids” like a nephew/niece of friend’s children. I get it, you like kids! Then I meet you and find that you never want any of your own. Let’s just start with you and then we can plan a family once we’ve had more than a coffee.

    Keep being your awesome self Souza!
    Lady Garrett

    1. Yes the group shots are a serious No No! One in the mix is fine, but not your primary photo. The “Not Mine” kids are another one. I don’t like solicitation of children or pets for that matter, in order to score the date either.

  2. Yep. I decided a long time ago that I’d rather be single than deal with online dating. Even though I have many friends who have met their spouses.

    I would add if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. I’ve had men look at my pictures and give me “health tips” & let me know they’d consider me if I lost some weight. Yeah. I’ll save your profile & check back in when I reach my goal, dick. I had no idea I was fat, thank God you were there to point it out!!

    1. Ugh! Seriously what tools! Honestly, I’m just on there out of spite from all the people who say “Go online”. If I find one of interest, I engage but nothing has turned out well yet.

    1. Please do!! We need to put a stop to this crazy behavior and hope that single people don’t have to weed through the selfie takers, headless horsemen, and U lovers!

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