At Ease Soldier! Time to Drop My Guard


Pay no attention to the man behind the curtainWhat started as an off the cuff joke, led me down a path of deep thought that I felt like sharing. With out getting in to too much detail, the conversation skewed in to a direction on the topic of “having your guard up” to which the person I was talking with said “what does that even mean”
I’m not going to dissect why I believe this person is always on guard, but rather, I’m choosing to share my own guardedness.

Special K once said to me that she admired how open I was with everyone. The truth is, I’m not. Sure there are certain things I’ll share that seem like deep nuggets of my personal life, but they barely scratch the surface. I’ll share all the details of a date or a conversation, but rarely will you get the deep, emotional piece of the story. The piece where I was hurt when the date didn’t call for a follow-up or how I felt amazingly uplifted by a compliment some one gave me in said conversation. Those are the parts I glaze over.

Why?

Simply because those are the scary parts. Those are the parts that make me vulnerable. Those are the parts where someone might see that I’m not perfect, that I might not be as awesome as they thought, that I have weaknesses or even (gasp!) flaws. It’s the part that shows I’m not an island but that I need and want other people to help, support, and love me. It’s the part that I keep hidden behind the great and powerful Oz’s curtain, the part that shows everyone that I’m just a girl who desperately just wants someone to love her and tell her she is enough.

The catch-22 here is that in order to find that person, I have to let my guard down and allow people in to squishy mushy parts of my personality that I keep locked up. All those crazy parts where I have full conversations with my turtle, the insecure parts where I need to show my medals to people whose opinions I care about for validation, or the super mushy part that cause me to cry at the end of Love Actually when Sam runs through the airport after Joanna (even though I have seen it a million times). I have to get rid of some of those walls and electrified fences to allow people to walk the grounds. But what happens if I show someone the girl behind the curtain, and they don’t like what they find? Do I close the curtain or will I try again, once again exposing the vulnerable parts?

In the end, it’s all a leap of faith.

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