I had a small personal goal I wanted to achieve this summer; I wanted to be able to wear a bikini. Now this may seem like a silly thing, but to me, it is huge. I haven’t worn a bikini since I was 10 years old; of course that was a prepubescent Souzapalooza as seen on the left in the photo my sister resurrected. I have always held my weight in my midsection so a bikini has never been a reasonable option. Now sure I have had tankinis, and even though they are two piece bathing suits, they aren’t a bikini. A bikini is way sexier, and allows your belly button to see the sun after months of hiding under sweaters. My belly button has never been exposed to the sun; simply because, it was hiding not only under sweaters, but under two thick rolls of fat.
I have been regularly cleaning out my closets of clothes that no longer stay on my hips and fall of my shoulders. This weekend, I went through some summer items, including my bathing suits. Most of them went in to the donation bag due to being droopy in the bottom, or too big in the chest (mostly from back fat, the boobs have remained… please don’t be jealous small chested friends, they are a blessing and a curse!) Shrinking out of my clothes is both an amazing feeling and incredibly surreal. For a girl who has always shopped between the large end of the women’s section and the small end of the plus size racks, I have a hard time believing I belong in my new, smaller size bracket. I am not one to toot my own horn, but not only am I a smaller size, but things in that size actually FIT! I don’t mean I have to hold my breath to zip up pants or that I sprout a muffin top when I do get them zipped up, they fit comfortably, and I look GOOD! (Toot Toot Toot!)
So this weekend, on my never-ending search for Nike U-Back Sports Bras at discounted prices, I headed to a TJMax Store slightly north of my home (which had the bras, just not in a size to fit my ginormous boobs). While there, I picked up a few Under Armor shirts for running (since I sweat like a crazy person and the heat gear makes a giant difference) and some new capris to replace ones that got too big. Feeling empowered by many successful trips to the fitting room, I decided to browse the swimwear racks. Of course, my inner fat girl went straight to the one piece suits. I picked out one to try on, then I turned around and saw the rack with two piece suits. Again, the inner fat girl took over the shopping agenda and reached for the modest, belly covering tankini suits. In the midst of searching the racks for a suit that would hold up my boobs and hide my belly, I started taking over the swim suit search from the inner fat girl. I picked up a true bikini. As a matter of fact I picked up three bikinis, and marched boldly, with my head held high, back in to the fitting room.
I tried on everything, some too big, some too small, some just pain awkward. However, there was one that actually seemed to fit decently. It covered all of my bottom, had underwire to help hoist my boobs away from my knees, and was in a beautiful blue pattern. The best part, my beautiful belly button was reflecting back at me in the mirror, no longer obstructed by fat rolls. So moved by my accomplishment (and the $19.99 price tag) I bought myself a bikini. All my hard work, all my healthy choices, all my miles of running, reflected back at me through two pieces of nylon and spandex.
Being the self-conscious girl that I am, this bikini may not be seen anywhere other than my yard, if I am even that bold. I know right now I don’t look like Phoebe Cates in that iconic red bikini from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and I doubt I ever will, that isn’t my mission. My mission is to keep working hard to be able to run my 1/2 marathon in September and if more weight comes off while working towards that goal, terrific. However, in the back of my mind I know that on one hot summer day, I will have the option of letting my belly button see the sun by wearing my new bikini.